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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Chronicles of Calvin Continues or How I Know I am the Worst Mom


So yesterday Calvin continued his “reign of terror” on the house. He strategically went to each bathroom in the house and unraveled every roll of bath-tissue. And he was quite pleased with himself, when he had finished with the last roll in the upstairs bathroom he came back downstairs, to the living room, plunked down on the carpet right in front of me and started to lick his rear. Jerk.

I left the paper like that, too. I’m not cleaning up after that rebel. When the kids came home from school Kimmie went straight for the bathroom, like always, and when she saw the toilet paper all over the floor she demanded “Hey, what happened in here?”

I didn’t want it to look like I was the lazy looser mom who wouldn’t clean up after the cat, so I told her “Oh, I thought I would teach you kids some skills. You know, get you ready for the real world; get you some work skills. This little work station here teaches you how to be a toilet paper roller.”

Total blank stare from Kim.

“Oh yea, how do you think the paper gets on those little cardboard rollers? There are people in the factories that sit there and roll them on there and when they get to the end they put a little strip of glue on it to make it stay down and they start on another roll.”

Kim continues staring at me in disbelief.

“I even put the cardboard roller up on the holder for you. Just take the end and start rolling it up. It’ll be fun!” And with that I left the bathroom.

Now in my defense it was my intent to go back in there in about a minute to let her in on the joke, tell her the cat did it, show her the other bathrooms where Calvin did the same thing to those rolls of toilet paper. Yes, that was my INTENT! However, I got sidetracked. Ever happened to you? Yea, well it happens to me all the time. And after a bit I forgot all about Kimmie’s endeavors to become a professional bathroom tissue roller-upper. Shut-up, don’t judge me.

So I’m sitting on the couch when Kim comes and asks “Where’s the glue?”

Now it’s my turn for the blank stare.

“Mom, where’s the glue?”

“What for?” I ask. Yea, I’m really this clueless, folks.

“I finished rolling up the whole roll of toilet paper and I need to glue down the end.”

Holy crap. WORST MOM EVER! Yea.

So I thought fast, “Oh, honey, since we aren’t putting it in a package to send to the store we don’t need to glue down the end. We can just go ahead and use it now.”

Right then Jon walked in and said “Hey, KK, if you are done with the roll in your bathroom you can start on the one in my bathroom.”

“Okay!” And off she ran to Jon’s bathroom to roll up that one.

Yea, right here ladies and gentlemen, I am the next Mother of the Year!

*Yes, I know there isn't a real job out there for her as a toilet paper roller, and I don't want her to be crushed when she finds out that this isn't a real job opportunity. That's why I plan on telling her that technology has screwed her out of the job she has been training for. It's one more example of how machines are taking people jobs! Then I'll set her sights on something higher. I have a plan!!!