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Monday, October 31, 2011

More news on Santa!


While continuing on my quest to find the truth behind Santa and his family; namely if he has his own biological children, I stumbled upon a website that answered it (though not to my liking): www.santaflorida.com.  It’s a little confusing because it has like a kajillion questions on there to choose from, so you have scroll down and find your question. I know! SO HARD.
Anyway, so I had pretty much blown off that site but then yesterday Debbie (my cuz, well my cousin-in-law, but they embrace me whole-heartedly and I do the same for them, and I love them all dearly), anywhere, where was I? Oh, yes, Debbie brought my attention back to that website. And I kind of blew it off again (and for that I am sorry!), but maybe this is exactly what I am looking for.
Maybe Santa didn’t want to publish a book for the whole world to know his business, and YET he also kind of wanted to get the word out there about his kids. Hey, pay attention here! I don’t wanna lose ya!
So, here is what the website says:
Does Santa have children; can you tell me about them?
Yes, I have a Son and Daughter; they both work here at North Pole Village. Both of them are outdoorsy, my Son is a reindeer trainer and my Daughter is an exercise rider. Mrs. Claus and I are extremely proud of both of them. Santa also considers all the children in the world a part of his family.
Which now raises another question: Since there is no other “humans” up at the North Pole, and only elves, what about their “social lives”, you know: their dating!!!!!! What about that? Are they shackled to a life of loneliness? Do they “borrow” dear ol’ dad’s reindeers to go clubbing in another country? What if Santa’s daughter gets a little reckless and gets pregnant, there are no OB’s up at the North Pole? OR ARE THERE???? I mean, the elves probably reproduce (which is a visual I didn’t even want), so is there a hospital up there? If so, who are the docs? Are the doctors elves? If so, where do they get their degrees? Is there a college up there? I thought elves only worked in Santa’s workshop (and in trees making Keebler cookies)!
Maybe I should have left well enough along, because now I have even more questions than I had before. Dang!
Anyway, if you have any pressing questions about the big man in the red suit check out that website, and another big thanks to Debbie for helping me out!!!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

There’s probably a freeze-framed still pic from the store’s surveillance video hung up behind the counter of me in the bookstore

I decided to head to the bookstore and do some research on Santa to see if I can get to the bottom of this debate “does Santa have kids of his own?”
I headed straight to the nice lady behind the counter to see if she could help.
Me: Excuse me, but do you have any autobiographies of Santa.
(blank stare)
Me: I need something pretty in-depth that he’s written about his personal life. You know, like the one Russell Brand did – My Booky Wook.
(crickets chirping)
Me: Maybe a really good memoir?
Lady behind counter: I’m sorry, who’s the author?
Me: Santa.
Lbc: (tapping on her computer) And the first name?
Me: Oh, sorry, that is the first name. The last name is Claus.
Lbc: (blank stare is back) Excuse me?
Me: Santa Claus.
Lbc: Are you looking for a kid’s book?
Me: No, I’m looking for a memoir or an autobiography all about his home life.
Lbc: I don’t understand.
Me: I have questions that need to be answered. I sent him an email, but he’s pretty tricky. He totally dodged the question. I’m thinking he’s hiding something.
Lbc: Ma’am…
Me: So, I need to do some research on it. Although, now that I think about it, if he won’t answer me then why would he put it in a book for everyone to read. In fact, if he was a smart businessman and someone like me asked him a question then he would just tell them to buy the book. That’s what I would do. Hmmmm.
Lbc: Ma’am, (I’m in pretty deep thought here and I think she’s rude for interrupting my thoughts) am I correct in understanding you want a book –
Me: (my turn to interrupt) -a memoir-
Lbc: Riiiight, a memoir, writing by Santa Claus? THE Santa Claus?
Me: That’s right.
Lbc: Uh-huh. You do realize that Santa is not a real person? Right?
Me: Look, if you don’t want to sell me the book then just say so, but don’t insult my intelligence in talking lies. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll be taking my business elsewhere. Good day!
Looks like I’ll have to find other avenues to do my research. Seems like there is quite a conspiracy going on.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Well played, Jolly-man, Well played.

So I got an email back from good old St. Nick and I gotta hand it to the old man, he is one crafty guy.
Here is that email:
Hi Lisa Matthews,Thanks for sending me your questions. I have your answers written below:
Do you have any kids?
Why of course I do…all the children of the world I love just like they were my own children. Why else would I spend so much time bringing joy to kids?
If you want, you can ask me different questions.
- Santa

Way to skirt the question, pal. That was very tricky of you. And thanks for inviting me to ask more questions, you can bet your sweet …. Uh… you can bet your belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly I’ll be taking you up on that. I plan on deposing your … uh …….  Let’s just say it’s on like Donkey Kong (my gal-pal Connie got me saying that and I just can’t stop)!!!


Oh, and yes I know I promised you guys pics of Mitchell Farms, I just didn’t say I would do it by Halloween. I’d say it’s safe to say you can look for them around Easter ‘mkay?

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I bet none of y’all spent a good portion of the day researching this!

So I’ve been thinking a lot about Christmas lately. I want to play Christmas carols so bad that I can hardly stand it. Yea, I know Halloween hasn’t even come yet, shut up and quit judging me!
So I started thinking about Santa and Mrs. Claus. My question is this: do they have any children? I googled it and I’m not getting a really clear answer. In fact I’m now more confused than even.
I went to www.santaclaus.com but the question never came up, so of course it wasn’t answered.
I finally found a website that allows you to ask Santa a question: http://www.santaclaus.net/AskSanta.asp but when I submit the question it tells me the website is under maintenance. I think they are trying to avoid the subject.

I’ll keep trying and if y’all know the answer hit me up.

Monday, October 24, 2011

KK has all the answers

There is a commercial out there that makes KK laugh and laugh, it's the Jimmy Dean commercial with the low cloud that' feeling a bit foggy, you can see it here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pa4gDUNOwZo

So this morning it was especially "froggy" as KK says. We are on the way to school when she says "I know what these clouds need! They need some Jimmy Dean!!!"
She just cracks me up!!!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Halloween Fun!

In the month of October Central Baptist School is doing lots of fundraisers. I am in charge of 1st and 2nd grades. We head up to the school during lunchtime and sell baked goods and little fun trinkets. It's been fun.
Today I am selling what every parent wishes for and what every teaches secretly begs that their students will be blessed with.
That's right, today I am selling brains.
They are popcorn balls colored with red food dye. Gross, huh?
Here's a closer look:

Gggggggrrrrrrrroooooooossssssss - the kids will love them!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Decorating Pumpkins

This past weekend we went to Mitchell Farms for some fall time fun (more on that in another posting). We had so much fun. Seriously. There was so much to do there, but really I'll do another posting on that. Our last stop at Mitchell Farms was picking out pumpkins.The Hubs and I are true believers in "pick out your own pumpkin but make sure you can carry it yourself, that goes for you too, KK". Yea, we're awesome parents like that.
Each kiddo picked out a pumpkin that they loved and we loaded up and went home. We were hot and sweaty and were ready to decorate our gourds.
Here's a pic of the pumpkins before the decorating began:
Lovely, aren't they?
Then here's the supplies I got:

Check out the decorating kits:
Pretty cool, huh? We decided this year to not carve the pumpkins. The kids just don't get into that yuckiness, so I was okay with this idea, though I thought it would be great to spray paint them. I bought white and gold. All three kiddos went wild for gold.
Let the spraying begin:

Pretty!!!!
Then the decorating began.

Each package held enough puffy stickers to make four faces. Jon picked Franken-pumpkin:

Yea, that's blood dripping down. He's a boy, what can I say?
Hannah picked out the scary pumpkin:

KK fell in love with the scary pumpkin as well:
They love them and so do I. Plus, no pumpkin guts!!! How is your pumpkin decorating going?

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Obviously we’re dealing with 2 completely different characters

I love Halloween costume shopping with the kiddos. They crack me up. We visited Spirit Halloween store yesterday for some costume shopping, I like Spirit because they allow you to try on the costumes. That’s a huge bonus since we have bought many costumes that looked great on the outside, but once we got them home they didn’t fit at all or look like the package image.
Hannah was wishy-washy. She went from Monster High characters, to girlie costumes, and then she saw the “tween” version of Alice in Wonderland. It was love at first sight.  Plus it was so cute, she just fit so perfectly as Alice.
KK immediately went for a Disney Princess costume that cost well over $100 so I started showing her other costumes in hopes that she would change her mind. Accomplished! She spotted a Monster High “cheerless cheerleader” and wanted needed that one. It’s super-duper cute, so I agreed.
Jon was a little more difficult. He’s picky. We checked out all the Star Wars costumes, and then browsed the other aisles.  He tried on an Angry Birds costume ( the red one) and I loved it but it was too big and bulky and he didn’t feel comfortable. We then tried on a sumo wrestler. It blows up with its very own fan. I laughed so hard my sides hurt. But Jon didn’t want it, no matter how much I begged and pleaded. Then he spotted a Jawa; one of the Star Wars characters whose eyes glow red. “That one!” he declared. And so it was.
We also got red hairspray for KK. We need to find a blond wig for Hannah, too. They were out.
The bill was scary high, but Halloween only comes once a year so it’s worth it.
When we got home the kids were dying to tell their dad all about the costumes they picked as well as the costumes they didn’t pick out.
Jon said “I thought about being Dark Vader.”
Me: Who?
Jon: Dark Vader
Me: You mean Darth Vader.
Jon: No, I mean Dark Vader, for  “the dark side”.
Me: But his name is darTH, with a TH. TTTTHHHHHHH.
Jon: DarK, with a K on the end. KKKKKKKKKKuh.
So I grabbed my laptop and looked up Darth Vader on YouTube.
Me: Hey Jon come look at this.
Jon comes over and watches the video, I then point out the title says “Darth” Vader. Not Dark Vader.
Jon looks at it for a while.
Jon: He does look a lot like Dark Vader to me, I bet their brothers.
And with that he goes back to playing.
Oh well.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Lost in translation with a five year old

KK's having trouble sleeping at night. It's no fun. She's up and down, up and down. We put her to bed in her own bed but she doesn't want to be alone, she wants to be with Hannah. But Hannah needs her own room. Granted, usually Hannah doesn't mind if KK gets up in the middle of the night and climbs into bed with her (she has a queen sized bed, so there is plenty of room), but we still believe that Hannah desperately needs her own space. Plus we don't want KK to keep Hannah up.
The other night I was in the girl's bathroom picking up laundry when KK stumbled in, it was well past her bedtime. The following is the conversation we had:
KK: Hey, momma.
Me: Hey, Ms. Mouse, why aren't you sleeping?
KK: I can't.
Me: Uh oh. You need good sleep, sweetie.
KK: I know, but I just can't do it.
Me: Have you tried counting sheep?
KK: What????
ME: Have you tried counting sheep?
KK: Why would I do that?
Me: It helps you fall asleep.
KK: How do I do it?
Me: Close you eyes, picture a pretty green field with a fence in the middle, and them imagine that sheep are jumping over the fence, count them as they jump over.
KK: Why are they jumping over the fence, momma?
Me: I don't know, they just are.
KK: Is something chasing them?
Me: No.
KK: Are they scared?
Me: No, sweetie.
KK: Is there something bad trying to get them?
(clearly she is getting scared for the sheep, she's starting to panic)
Me: No sweetie they are just jumping over the fence.
KK: But if they jump over the fence then they can get out into the road and get runned over!
Me: There's no road on the other side, just more yummy grass.
KK: But who will take care of them over there?

Clearly, this isn't going to put her to sleep - this is sending her into a panic attack.

Me: Never mind, KK, forget out the sheep.
KK: I CAN'T!!!! (sobbing)

Great! Sheep are overrated!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

It's all in the handwriting

We have simple unspoken rules in this house. One of these rules in no porn, none - of any kind. Not a magazine, no cruising the websites......none.
Another rule is that The Hubs has his computer and I have my computer. We don't use each others unless we have to.
So imagine my shock, horror, anger, surprise, disgust (this list goes on for a while) when I went in to use his computer (it was an emergency, I needed to order a pay-per-view movie and our Dish Network password is saved on his computer and I couldn't remember it and the next showing was coming on in 5 minutes, so using his computer was, in fact, an emergency. I think you'll agree with me on that one!) .... anyways ~ where was I? Oh, yes my shock when I went in to use his computer and I saw this stuck to his keyboard:

Dreamspank? What the ...... I mean think of it dreamSPANK - as in spank the monkey, or spank the stripper, or spank .... well, just spank.
I saw red, y'all.
I usually shoot first and ask questions later .... that's just how I roll. And this instance was no different.
I let him have it. Dirty old man .... disgusting old fart .... nasty perv .....
You get it. I went ballistic.
Uh, yea, that's actually "dreamspark". With an "R". It's a Microsoft software site that has some stuff he wants and needs for his work.
My bad. (Also, my husband's handwriting is HORRIBLE - as you can clearly see, so basically this was his own fault.)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

That cuts deep, son, it really does.

Jon missed another day of school today. His fever was back up to 102 this morning and his tonsils were large and in charge. We tried to get him into the doc yesterday but they couldn't fit him in, so that's where we spent this morning. the doc took one look at his tonsils and said "I think those suckers need to come out". Done!!!
Then he had to have some bloodwork done to see if he has pneumonia. He F-R-E-A-K-E-D!!!!! Usually he's calm and cool and could care less, but I guess when you are feeling horrible even the little things can set you off. Poor guy. (the call did come in that the tests came back negative, he is still battling an upper respiratory infection)
We did some small running around. I did promise him a new book, so we hung out at Books-A-Million for a while, pawing at all the books and giving our opinion of each book based solely on the cover. He picked out a couple, plus some for his sisters. Then we hit up Target for a jumbo cookie.
I'd like to point out that at no time while driving around town did I swerve, or screech my brakes, or have any "near misses".
So imagine my shock when, as we were pulling into the driveway, Jon says "Ya know, sometimes I'm really surprised that we make it home without crashing."
Wow, you cut me to the bone kid, TO THE BONE!!!!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I think I can cross off the kids’ Christmas wishes in one stop!

The kids are already in the Christmas spirit (by the way, counting today we have 76 shopping days left until the big day!). They know the real meaning of Christmas. They LOVE that Christmas is the celebration of Jesus’ birthday. But they are kids, so they love the commercialization of it all. And I’m not ashamed of that. They know the Jesus comes first ……. But …….. presents!!!!
So when they are watching tv they are " always on the lookout for must-have-presesnts.
So last night I put them on the spot and asked them what they wanted and all of them in unison said “New books!!!”
I was a little shocked, so I waited for them to start listing off other things but there was total silence for quite a while.
Then Hannah said “I want…”
Ah-hah! It begins. So I waited and listened.
She continued “The book of Judy Moody: Not Bummer Summer, and My Dumb Diary; that one is going to be so good!”
Then Jon caught the fever, “I want some more Junie B. Jones, she’s so funny. And some more dinosaur books.”
“More Fancy Nancy and Pinkalicious.” Now KK was joining in.
They went on and on naming off tons of books that they wanted. Then there was silence.
I’m. In. Shock!                                                                          
I know that they want other things, but I’m a little (read A LOT) proud of those kiddos! They love them some books!!!