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Sunday, October 30, 2011

There’s probably a freeze-framed still pic from the store’s surveillance video hung up behind the counter of me in the bookstore

I decided to head to the bookstore and do some research on Santa to see if I can get to the bottom of this debate “does Santa have kids of his own?”
I headed straight to the nice lady behind the counter to see if she could help.
Me: Excuse me, but do you have any autobiographies of Santa.
(blank stare)
Me: I need something pretty in-depth that he’s written about his personal life. You know, like the one Russell Brand did – My Booky Wook.
(crickets chirping)
Me: Maybe a really good memoir?
Lady behind counter: I’m sorry, who’s the author?
Me: Santa.
Lbc: (tapping on her computer) And the first name?
Me: Oh, sorry, that is the first name. The last name is Claus.
Lbc: (blank stare is back) Excuse me?
Me: Santa Claus.
Lbc: Are you looking for a kid’s book?
Me: No, I’m looking for a memoir or an autobiography all about his home life.
Lbc: I don’t understand.
Me: I have questions that need to be answered. I sent him an email, but he’s pretty tricky. He totally dodged the question. I’m thinking he’s hiding something.
Lbc: Ma’am…
Me: So, I need to do some research on it. Although, now that I think about it, if he won’t answer me then why would he put it in a book for everyone to read. In fact, if he was a smart businessman and someone like me asked him a question then he would just tell them to buy the book. That’s what I would do. Hmmmm.
Lbc: Ma’am, (I’m in pretty deep thought here and I think she’s rude for interrupting my thoughts) am I correct in understanding you want a book –
Me: (my turn to interrupt) -a memoir-
Lbc: Riiiight, a memoir, writing by Santa Claus? THE Santa Claus?
Me: That’s right.
Lbc: Uh-huh. You do realize that Santa is not a real person? Right?
Me: Look, if you don’t want to sell me the book then just say so, but don’t insult my intelligence in talking lies. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll be taking my business elsewhere. Good day!
Looks like I’ll have to find other avenues to do my research. Seems like there is quite a conspiracy going on.