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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Chronicles of Calvin Continues or How I Know I am the Worst Mom


So yesterday Calvin continued his “reign of terror” on the house. He strategically went to each bathroom in the house and unraveled every roll of bath-tissue. And he was quite pleased with himself, when he had finished with the last roll in the upstairs bathroom he came back downstairs, to the living room, plunked down on the carpet right in front of me and started to lick his rear. Jerk.

I left the paper like that, too. I’m not cleaning up after that rebel. When the kids came home from school Kimmie went straight for the bathroom, like always, and when she saw the toilet paper all over the floor she demanded “Hey, what happened in here?”

I didn’t want it to look like I was the lazy looser mom who wouldn’t clean up after the cat, so I told her “Oh, I thought I would teach you kids some skills. You know, get you ready for the real world; get you some work skills. This little work station here teaches you how to be a toilet paper roller.”

Total blank stare from Kim.

“Oh yea, how do you think the paper gets on those little cardboard rollers? There are people in the factories that sit there and roll them on there and when they get to the end they put a little strip of glue on it to make it stay down and they start on another roll.”

Kim continues staring at me in disbelief.

“I even put the cardboard roller up on the holder for you. Just take the end and start rolling it up. It’ll be fun!” And with that I left the bathroom.

Now in my defense it was my intent to go back in there in about a minute to let her in on the joke, tell her the cat did it, show her the other bathrooms where Calvin did the same thing to those rolls of toilet paper. Yes, that was my INTENT! However, I got sidetracked. Ever happened to you? Yea, well it happens to me all the time. And after a bit I forgot all about Kimmie’s endeavors to become a professional bathroom tissue roller-upper. Shut-up, don’t judge me.

So I’m sitting on the couch when Kim comes and asks “Where’s the glue?”

Now it’s my turn for the blank stare.

“Mom, where’s the glue?”

“What for?” I ask. Yea, I’m really this clueless, folks.

“I finished rolling up the whole roll of toilet paper and I need to glue down the end.”

Holy crap. WORST MOM EVER! Yea.

So I thought fast, “Oh, honey, since we aren’t putting it in a package to send to the store we don’t need to glue down the end. We can just go ahead and use it now.”

Right then Jon walked in and said “Hey, KK, if you are done with the roll in your bathroom you can start on the one in my bathroom.”

“Okay!” And off she ran to Jon’s bathroom to roll up that one.

Yea, right here ladies and gentlemen, I am the next Mother of the Year!

*Yes, I know there isn't a real job out there for her as a toilet paper roller, and I don't want her to be crushed when she finds out that this isn't a real job opportunity. That's why I plan on telling her that technology has screwed her out of the job she has been training for. It's one more example of how machines are taking people jobs! Then I'll set her sights on something higher. I have a plan!!!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Not a Good Place to Find Yourself

I think my cat’s plotting on me. He’s been lying just outside the door of whatever room I am in, so every time I walk out of the room I trip and nearly break my neck. And even though he does this several times a day I still cannot, for the life of me, remember that he’ll be there, just outside the door waiting to kill me.
He also loves climbing up on the headboard of the bed when I am totally, 100% in happy dreamland and them kitty-bopping with his paw right in the face. Not a fun way to be woken up. Especially with him looking down on me with an expression on his face that says "You are at my will, lady. I could claw you face off.....if I wanted to. That was just a test run. Keeping you on your toes. But remember....I can if I want to."
Then LAST NIGHT HAPPENED!
I noticed he wasn’t in the house, so I went out on the front porch and called him. I was a little surprised that he wasn’t right there, so I walked out a bit, onto the drive to call for him and got the creepy feeling that I was being watched. I looked out onto the lawn, scanning back and forth until I saw two little pointed ears sticking out of the grass. Calvin was lying as flat as possible on the yard and just his little ears were sticking up out of the grass. I laughed at him, goofy little cat and walked out there to him, crouching down to talk to him. He was still lying flat as a pancake in the grass, his big eyes looking at me and a moment of panic hit me “Oh my gosh, he’s been hit by a car!” I thought. So I started to talk to him “Hey, buddy, it’s mommy, you okay?” And THAT’S when I heard it. A low growl, just behind me, and I realized that I had just strolled into the middle of a looming cat fight. CRAP! I turned around to see another set of glowing eyes. Tom, the tomcat that we had fed for quite a while when we first moved in was right behind me. His hair was standing up and he was pissed! Awesome!
I did the only thing that I thought would work, I ran around in circles, flapping my arms and yelled “Get! Get outta here! Go on! Get outta here!” Was it a success? Absolutely not. While I was running around screaming and flapping my arms the cats decided to rumble. Ok, maybe "rumble" isn't the right word. Tom would charge Calvin and Calvin would back away, then Calvin would charge Tom and Tom would back away. There was lots of hissing and yowling and hair standing on end.  I finally got them to cut it out, got Tom chased into the neighbor’s yard and got Calvin cornered so that I could pick him up and get him inside.
Now he’s on my list, and it’s not a good list to be on. He’s not allowed to go outside, so he lies on his kitty perch all day and stares at me. Correction: GLARES at me.
Yes, zombie eyes! And he glares at me All. Day. Long.

Monday, August 29, 2011

First Day of School For the Kids, Woo-hoo!

After a great summer we are finally back to school and I couldn't be happier.
We went Friday for orientation and to get reacquainted. We are tickled with the teachers, Kimmie keeps Ms. Gardner from last year, Jon keeps Ms. Martin from last year and this year Hannah has Ms. Byrd. We love Ms. Byrd, she was Kimmie's teacher in K-3. She is worth her weight in gold. After an hour and a half there I was ready to go back home (the teachers were, too) and that's when it happened: Kimmie's chin started quivering, her lips curled down and the tears started. She didn't want to leave. She begged to stay. She cried - alot.  I finally got her in the car and got her settled down. I should have known this was coming, this is the girl who wanted to know why we needed a Christmas break and why summer break was even necessary. She loves school, she would go year round if she had the choice.
So today she was up and ready at the crack of dawn, wanting to know why weren't leaving already. She wouldn't take the old "School doesn't open until 7:30" excuse, silly me!
So now I have 8 uninteruped hours all to myself. Ya know what that means? NAP!!!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I Don't Even Know What to Title This One

I took the kiddos to the pool on post today. We had a great time, thanks for asking.
On our way out Kim asked "Why do they have all these lights on the road?'
Fair question, she was asking about the street lamps. And the road is pretty woodsy and runs along a lake so street lights are needed.
So I tried to keep it simple, "It's so soldiers can see when it gets dark."
"Oh, so they don't run over any panda bears!"
I was totally thrown for a loop on this one. "Kimmie, why do you think that panda bears live on Camp Shelby?"
Without skipping a beat she said "Well, of course they are living, otherwise they'd be dead on the side of the road."
Wait, what?

Friday, August 19, 2011

Update on THE ARM

Hannah's appointment went well yesterday. She was really nervous and you could tell. My heart went out to her.
They took the cast off and we washed it up really good then they took her off for x-rays.
The news that came back was music to my ears: healed!
No need for surgery. Even the doc was shocked. He admitted that he was prepared to give us the news that surgery was needed.
Now I just have to get used to the idea that it's okay to use her arm again. She won't even try to write. Good luck to me.
Here's a look at that alien arm:
I probably didn't help the situation when I told her that the arm probably had a mind of it's own now, being an alien arm and all. And that I sure wouldn't want to sleep with it, it might try to attack me in my sleep.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Reasons for Being MIA

I have lots of reasons for not posting things lately. Like:

Back-to-school shopping has left me braindead
My insomnia is kicking my rear
I'm trying to enjoy the last few weeks of school
My own schoolwork is breaking me down
I'm preparing for the zombie apocalypse
I don't have that much exciting stuff to talk about

I take that back, I do have stuff to write about, but when I sit down to express those thoughts they all fly out the window and my Blog-ADD sets in. So there's that.

Today Hannah gets her cast off. She is excited, I am nervous. At her three week appointment the doc noticed that the bone did in fact buckle, leaving her arm looking like a crooked walking stick. So if it doesn't look a whole lot better today they will have to go ahead and schedule her for surgery to fix the problem. Which sux, because if they would have just done that in the first place then we'd be getting ready to take off THAT cast right about now and she'd have no worries for school. But that just isn't the case, so I can't dwell on that.

And now, I leave you because I just heard the girls banging on the bathroom door while their brother was trying to use it, to which he yelled "Just wait until I get out of here, my superpowers are NO match to yours."  Just what every mother wants to hear.


Monday, August 15, 2011

Yea, Yea, Happy Birthday, Now Cook Me Something!

This past weekend The Hubs celebrated his birthday. So in the spirit of getting the most out of his birthday we celebrated the whole weekend.
On Friday we celebrated as a couple. No not like that, get your minds out of the gutter, folks. We went out to eat just the two of us. We left the kids at home since Hannah is 9 and full capable of taking care of her siblings. I KID! We now have a great babysitter. It's hard to find a babysitter we can trust, we are pretty overprotective. But a fellow soldier that The Hubs works with has a daughter who is a senior in High School and she is responsible, and great with the kids. WE ARE SO EXCITED!
So we hit up a Japanese place that boasts that it's the "Best Show in Town" and they did not disappoint. Granted we went out without the kids, then got seated at a grill with 2 couples who brought their screamers. But it was a great time. And the food was deeelish!!!
Then we did some goofy shopping, and almost got another cat, but then decided Calvin wouldn't appreciate it.
Saturday we did the unthinkable: we upgraded our Sams Card. And why? So we can shop a whole hour earlier than usual, duh! Then we loaded the truck down with our spoils and went home.
Lots of meat and veggies. I had a plan! For his birthday The Hubs got lots of grilling stuff and spices and everything he could ever need to continue to grill on demand. And he did not disappoint either.
We are all about giving props when they are due. So I'll do that now:
Southern Ground Grub - Georgia Clay Rub (yummy rub). Endorsed by Zac Brown, and so tasty!
Put it on everything, it makes it better! (this statement hasn't actually been tried on everything)
So all in all the weekend was a success.
(Disclaimer: we may or may not have played approximately 16 hours of Nazi Zombies)

Friday, August 12, 2011

Lots of Things Scare Me

I have fears, plenty of them.
I'm not sitting at home and freaking out - most of the time, anyway. But I do have my fears, like spiders; we've already talked about those! Don't get me started.
The Internet has its benefits (as long as I stay away from WebMD). And I love reading blogs, I'm an addict. Plus I can easily check out what all my friends are up to on Facebook. The problem is that sometimes I stumble upon something that sounds really interesting. And so I click on the link and GET COMPLETELY FREAKED OUT!!!
Case in point: I clicked on a link that took me to this -
Wanna know what that is? It's a Goblin Shark! That's right - a GOBLIN SHARK!!!
I didn't even know they existed.
Want another look:

I'll never go in the ocean again - ever.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

In My Heart I’m Still Sitting Pool-side in Texas

Two weekends ago we went to Texas to pick up Jon. When his PawPaw and GeGe had come to Kosciusko three weekends ago to watch the State Little League Championships that Corey’s team was in and they took him back with them. I know! How exciting!
Last year KK got to go spend a week with them and this year was Jon’s turn. And he made it all week! My quiet little man made it. And I think it did him a whole, lotta good! You see here at home he is surrounded by girls; it’s just too much for the little guy. So he got to spend just about every single day with his cousin (same age) Eric. And since both of them have terrific imaginations and love to use it they really hit it off!
Our plan was to drive to Texas on Friday, spend Saturday with family and then drive home on Sunday. That way Corey had Monday to recuperate before heading back to work on Tuesday. But we had such a good time on Saturday, spending time with the kids in the pool, grilling out some YUMMY food, and basically having just a really great time with the family that we did not want to leave. So The Hubs relented and said we’d stay the extra day! Yay!
We had such a great time with PawPaw and GeGe. And The Hubs’ brother, Matt, and his wife, Laura, came over and brought his nieces with them. These two girls were so courteous. And our kids adored them. They had a wonderful time. And Corey’s super wondiferous sister Jill came over and brought her two boys and it was so nice to just get together and have a good time!
No yelling, no whining, just smiles! It was a house full of kids having good old summertime fun!

And a huge milestone: KK started swimming without her water wings. We are so proud!

I'm already ready to go back. Right now. And the kids are ready as well. I am so ready to move back to Texas!

Monday, August 8, 2011

Looking Back We Can Laugh, When it was Happening – it Was TOTALLY TERRORFYING, But Now - It’s Funny!

So last night we let the kids stay up and watch the finale of Falling Skies. It was way past sun-down, pitch black outside, but the porch light was on. I had just made the comment that I had thought I had saw someone on the porch, and I stick by that statement. So our nerves were a little on edge. I got up to lock the side door since I knew the front door was locked. Jon went to look out the front doors and Corey remained firmly planted on his big comfy chair.
What came out of Jon was pure terror, “There’s someone out there! He’s out there!” He was so scared he could barely get the words out. He ran for me, I ran to the front door and screamed “Get out of here! You leave right this minute! The cops are on the way!” I then run for the phone to call 911 (Yea, yea, I know, but it’s not like the intruder would have known the difference) and yelled for Corey to get his rear end up, the girls ran for their designated safe spot. I found Corey’s phone first but for the life of me I can’t get the thing to work, so I run to him – he is now on the porch in the  “I Am The Man Of This House” stance – you know the one; standing tall, chest puffed out, hands on his hips. I thrust the phone at him and tell him I can’t get it to work.
I rush back in to Jon, who is so scared he is shaking and crying, he keeps saying things like “It was horrible”, and “He was so ugly”. I’m trying to calm him down but I know Corey is going to need a description for the cops, “Jon, I need you to calm down and tell me exactly what he looked like. Daddy needs to tell the cops. What did he look like?”
Hiccupping through his tears Jon says “Black….black.”
“Ok, he was black?”
“Kind of.”
What?
“Kind of black and grey.” *sob*”Big” *sob*”Armadillo!”
“Jon, are you telling me you saw an armadillo on the porch and not a man?”
“Yes!”
Holy crap! I run to Corey, who is now talking to the 911 dispatcher. “Corey, um, he saw an armadillo. Not a man.”
Corey: “What?”
Me: “He saw an armadillo and it scared him.”
Corey: “I’m sorry, ma’am, my son saw an armadillo on the porch, not a man. Again, I’m sorry.” Long pause. “Yes, I’m sure I don’t need a patrol car. He just got spooked by an animal. Sorry.”
Well, that was interesting.
In Jon’s defense, if I was a little kid and I went to the front door and I saw a big armadillo looking back at me I would have freaked, too.
In the dark armadillos can look like this:

And then in the daylight they look like this:



So, how was your weekend?

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Deep Thoughts with Hannah

We were on our way to the mall today when Hannah, who had been in deep thought for a while, asked some tough questions:
Hannah: Mom, were you going to have a baby brother or a baby sister?
It took me a minute to realize that she was talking about the baby my mother was carrying when she passed away when she was just 23 years old, the baby was lost as well.
Me: We don’t know, hon. My dad thinks it was a boy, I think he wanted a boy since he already had two daughters. But by the time they got her to the hospital there was no hope to save the baby. They buried her with the baby still in her tummy.
Hannah: And both your mom and the baby are in Heaven?
Me: Yes, both are in heaven.                  
Hannah: So you’ll get to see them again when you get to Heaven?
Me: Yes, that will be a wondrous day!
She was quiet for a while. And then:
Hannah: Do you think your sister is dead?
Me: I’m not sure. She’s been missing for 10 years. Part of me thinks that yes, she is dead.
Hannah: And she is in Heaven?
Me: I’d like to think so.
Hannah: So, she’s got to see your mom and the baby?
Me: Yes, I suppose she has.
Hannah: Maybe she will tell you if it’s a boy or girl in your dreams!
Me: I like the way you think, Hannah-girl! That’s a beautiful thought!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I Freakin' Hate Spiders!

Yesterday the kids were all playing and keeping themselves busy so I thought it was the perfect time to escape for a nice hot bath.
I ran the water and stepped in. Now in my defense I usually ALWAYS check the tub out in case of creep crawlies (my kids love to "save" lizards and beetles) or in case Calvin the Cat  has decided to track muddy paws in there. For some reason (I'll just say "mental exhaustion") I didn't do that this time. I just stepped right on in and sat down.
And that's when I saw IT! I big ol' spider floating on the water and he was coming right for me. I let out a blood curdling scream, followed by several more short bursts of screams. I got out, grabbed an empty toilet paper roller from the trashcan to fish him out so I could squish him. Only when I put the roller near him he grabbed ahold and then hauled ass up it and onto my hand which resulted in several more screams. I finally shook him loose and killed it, then squished him a few more times just to make good and sure it was dead, dead, dead. Then I scooped him up and deposited his dead, lifeless body in the trash and got back in the tub.
As soon as I had submerged myself again the two girls opened the door with wide eyes and asked what was going on. My girls are even bigger arachnophobes than me, so telling them that a spider had tried to attack me and drown me was in the tub I had to think fast, realizing that my screams sounded like they were more fitting in a jungle I formed my lie cover-up story that was necessary if I was ever going to get them to take a bath without a fear that a spider would be visiting them in the tub.
Me: Oh I was just practicing my wild monkey calls.
The girls stood there for a moments, totally bewildered, you could tell the oldest was thinking "WTF!?!"
Then the 5 year old said: Wow, mommy! You do that VERY well!
And with that the were gone, probably to go play Wild Kingdom or National Geographic Explorer.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I’m No Greenthumb

I’m no greenthumb, really I’m not. So when someone gives me plant and it dies (and it ALWAS does) I’m always terrified that they’ll ask about that plant and I’ll have to confess that I killed it. I tell ya, I get ulcers over this stuff.
So when my mother-in-law gave me two gorgeous ivies for our home here in Mississippi I was a little more than freaked. I knew I would inevitably kill the dang things. But month and after month the ivies clung to life. In fact, they did quite well. Yea, you noticed the past tense “did” there, right?
About a month ago The Hubs took them outside to water them AND LEFT THEM, in the hot Mississippi sun.   For. A. Week.    Somehow this has turned around to my fault (go figure) and I’ve been trying to save them ever since.
This past weekend we visited the in-laws where I told my mother-in-law about what happened and she asked a few questions and was a little shocked that in the two years since she gave them to me I had never repotted them. (Don’t judge me, you don’t know me!) So she suggested getting a bigger pot and gave me a few more tips.
And this time I listened!
Here’s a pic of the poor plants:                                                                 

Sad, aren’t they?
And here’s a pic of the too, too cute planters I found on clearance at WalMart:

I know, you love them too!

And here they are looking right at home in our living room!




I’m sure they will perk right up in no time!