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Wednesday, January 18, 2012

An Open Letter to my (ex) Uterus

Dear Uterus,
I just enjoyed my first full holiday season (as in Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year) without you.  You were NOT missed! Not one bit. Not even once. You did not even cross my mind!
I take that back. There was one time that I was shopping at the mall that a paused, in a panic thinking “Oh crap, when am I going to start my period??? It will probably start any moment now!” Then I remembered the docs ripped you from my body and incinerated you. I felt nothing but pure joy.
You will never again ruin a family outing. Never again will we have to try and schedule a vacation around you, only to have you show up five days early and ruin everything.
I can only hope what you put me through; the pain, the agony, the despair – does not happen to my daughters, though I do know that what you put me through my aunts and grandma experienced with their uteri.  Although now, having gone through what I have gone through I am more emotionally prepared to support them through their pain.
So, again, I had a great holiday season. You were not missed.

                                                                                                -Me

PS  After your removal I held a bonfire, where I burned my stockpile of tampons and maxi pads in my backyard. The freakin’ fire burned for over 6 hours, the inferno grew to over ten feet tall. I’m pretty sure they could see it from space.